Why is everyone playing with my emotions
and take advantage of me,
and then dont realise that I am serious?
They tear and pull me
as if I was a worthless marionette.
A marionette that cant hide from the critics reviews
All that are playing judges and gives me verdicts
All that are playing wise men and teach me wise words
All the strings that are tied to my ankle joints and wrists
are tied so hard I cant break away..
The strings they are using to control me, to rule over me.
That is the easiest way
to get me to dance when they whistled -
by plugging me into their system
They tear and pull me, I am sore..
It isnt my voice that speak,
it isnt my words that comes out of my mouth..
I am beeing taught what to say before I enter the stage.
And cover all my anxiety, fear and insecurity
behind all the theatrical make-up
*
All the fake smiles..
Who are actors and whose the audience?
Which are which?
Do they even know themselves who they are?
Or are they just acting..
*
Is there anyone that doesnt want to influence me?
Drill me into another character after this act is over?
If there is someone
I would like to crawl up in to this persons arms
and let me be stroked to sleep, to peace..
In my insecurity I want to both give and take.
Give my loyalty,
and take faithfulness and reliability.
Right now I am in this play that is called "My Life".
It is tough. I am the leading character.
And I see so many people enter the stage
say their line and then walk away from the stage,
out of my life, without returning.
I would like so much to be able to yell "CUT!"
And hold everything still for a short second,
hold it still, in my open hands.
To get to know them behind the masks,
what they are hiding..
*
Who wrote the manuscript?
I cannot take anymore. Please, give me just a little break.
Let me walk free
free from these relations with frictions
connections that have grown in under my skin.
I want to cut them off, but I dont dare.
It hurts, are painful and makes me bleed.
Bleed, as my heart that everyone carves in.
Everyone tries to manipulate it, but cant..
The new owner cuts away the last owners strings,
and tie new one around me..
Deeper and harder,
their strings are forced around my heart
that are shrinks and gets smaller.
The scars are the only thing that grow larger..
What do you want from me?
You are only hurting me?!
Leave me alone, in peace.
But you didnt listen, so now I am upset.
I am hurting right back instead.
I thought it would feel better then.
On the contrary..
I cant hurt anyone deliberately.
I cannot and I dont want to.
Despite everything
there is something pushing me forward.
Something that speaks, within me, with my own voice:
FOR YOUR OWN SAKE DO NOT GIVE UP!
NOT FOR ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!
Perhaps it is my curiosity,
that wonders what it is behind the next corner.
Perhaps it is my pride, that refuse to be broken.
Perhaps it is the hidden flowerknob inside of me,
that are longing for sunlight in this frozen place.
After it has broken through the asphalt
and who still doesnt wither
just because the thought of all the beauty
it will see and feel,
after it has gotten away
from all the coiled plants attempts to push it down.
Perhaps it is Love, Faith and Hope
that was born in me when I saw how life goes on,
If you have a strong will and if you fight.
But one thing is for sure - I will NOT give up!
You who tear and pull will not win.
One day I will break free,
I will tear hard so the roots will be extracted.
I will drop all my withered, dry leafs
and it will grow out new, fresh leafs
filled with nourishments..
My papersheets will give nourishments
to all that hunger and thirst...
I will give them all my warmth that I have stored,
my warehouse are almost filled to the brink.
I will give them all my love and understanding.
And I would like to rock them to sleep, with my song
the song that the the flowering leafs sing
when they are touched by the fresh air -
The Wind of Freedom..
It goes right through my Heart and heals it.
THAT is why I dont give up!
I want to experience all the beauty that awaits me.
Out there.
I am reaching out my hand and feel...
Outside the bars The Wind is so warm and smooth.
I drift away in dreams,
but are yanked back into the cold -
you are tearing and pulling me..
What do you want now then?
I am so tired, so tired, I need peace.
My Wind, I long so for You!
I want You to fill me like the glorious Divinity.
You are the most beautiful music,
the warmest joy, and..
You are mine.
Yes, only mine, my friend.
You lift me higher then I dared dream
that the Wind could carry me..
But, you are not just any Wind, You heal!
You are The Wind of Freedom, and I am Yours...
~ © Jessica Sunnely, 1986 © ~
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